I'm a child of divorce. Are you? It's a common experience that many of you share with me. Divorce entered my life when I was a baby. Divorce is my definition of normal childhood; it's what I lived, it's what I know.
Lately it's become clear there is yet more healing and recalibration that needs to happen in order for me to be healthy and whole (sigh). This summer, I'm devoting time and energy to explore the less-than-beautiful issues that are coming to the surface. I want to write about the journey here on the website, but it's sensitive and difficult; this post alone has taken way too long to write.
For now, I'll start with this:
Frequently parents and children alike downplay divorce and its effects. The subconscious logic goes something like this: If I downplay divorce, I can strip it of its power. If I downplay it, eventually it will dissolve, disintegrate, go away. I'm guilty of doing this; it felt safe, it felt easier, it even felt wise. But, the scary truth I've discovered is this: Divorce's power is heightened when we downplay its pain and destruction. Divorce is a death: a death of dreams; a death of unity; and for many children, the death of childhood. It leaves everyone scarred.
So here I am, 36-years-old, 13 years into marriage to a wonderful guy, raising 3 children I adore, surrounded by parents who love me, and I'm realizing I have more dysfunctions to face. The main issue rising to the surface is an attachment issue. I'm scared of being close to people. I wasn't properly attached to my parents as a child. And it makes sense, their very world was falling apart. I survived, I was taken care of, but I wasn't attached. And now that's my normal. I prefer to be distant, unattached. But that way of relating has become a roadblock in my life; it isn't healthy or mature and is something I need to face. That's the road I'll be walking this summer.
A month ago, a mentor sent me a text with this line:
"You are a little wounded and very brave."
I tear up every time I think about these words. It feels like the song of my soul. Yes! That is precisely who I am! I'm a little wounded, very brave, and ready for more healing. Maybe you are someone who needs this as well.