Today I'm picking up a topic introduced yesterday: Married Sex.
There's so much to do, and so little time. Your life is jam-packed with responsibility: marriage, children, career, extended family, finances, keeping yourself healthy—if only there were 48 hours in a day. You desire a strong marriage that is a cornerstone for future generations. You want a passionate, monogamous marriage with hot Hollywood sex. You know we're walking around in a sex-crazed world with temptation lurking behind every corner and you know that sex is a critical way to connect with your spouse. But sex takes time and energy, and you're low on both.
First, rid your mind of sex ideals gleaned from the movies. It isn't real and will likely hinder you from having the marriage you want—the Hollywood divorce count is proof enough.
Second, lower your expectations. Every session needn't be one for the record books. Be a bit more animal, a bit more free. A remarkable woman named Kathy Keller taught me the liberating concept that there are all different kinds of sex:
- There's Five Course Dinner sex: passionate, slow, erotic.
- There's Meat & Potatoes sex: straightforward and satisfying.
- And there's Fast Food sex, or as I like to call it, The Quickie: wham, bam, thank you ma'am!
Don't you dare mock or devalue The Quickie, it's an ace in your pocket. In less than 10 minutes, you can have a fun, bonding sexual encounter (though likely not dual orgasmic). Married sex is another instance of quantity being the pathway to quality (see yesterday's article). So, go find your partner and do-si-do!
"A fundamental rule of marriage is that time marches on, and as Lewis Smedes said, you don't marry one woman or one man but many. Time, children, illness, and age all bring changes that may require creative, disciplined responses to rebuild a sexual intimacy that was easier at an earlier time. If you don't confront and adapt to these changes, they'll erode your sex life. Kathy and I often liken sex in a marriage to oil in an engine—without it, the friction between all the moving parts will burn out the motor. Without joyful, loving sex, the friction in a marriage will bring about anger, resentment, hardness, and disappointment. Rather than being the commitment glue that holds you together, it can become a force to divide you. Never give up working on your sex life."
-Tim & Kathy Keller, from their book: The Meaning of Marriage